Almost
by PrehistoricCat
Summary: Connor and Abby deal with their grief in the immediate aftermath of Cutter's death.


**Disclaimer: Not mine, no copyright intended**

**A/N: Set between eps 3 x03 and 3 x04. I love comments, please let me know what you think.**

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Their journey home had been in silence. Losing Cutter had been devastating and neither knew what to say to the other. Connor had insisted on going in the ambulance to the mortuary with Cutter's body, so Abby had followed behind in her car. She sat beside him in the waiting room whilst the doctors did what they had to do, sliding her hand into his. He briefly squeezed it to acknowledge her, but wouldn't look at her. Maybe that was a good thing; she was struggling to hold it together as it was.

The doctor said they could spend a moment or two with the body before they took it down to storage. He had assumed Connor was Cutter's son, and neither he or Abby felt like correcting him. Abby couldn't face it, but she said she would wait whilst Connor had a private moment. He nodded and smiled gratefully, then followed the doctor down the long corridor.

Fifteen minutes later, Connor came back. His eyes were red and puffy from crying. "At least he's started let it out." Abby thought. She stood up and smiled at him. "You ready to go home?" she said softly.

"Yeah." he said, blinking his eyes and taking a deep breath.

Now they were back home, Abby had hoped Connor would open up to her and let out more of his grief. He sat on the sofa just staring. He was elsewhere, and didn't reply when Abby asked him if he wanted something to eat. She had to force him to take the plate of sandwiches from her, but at least he ate them.

She turned on the TV and sat next to him, but he still didn't move or speak. She was mourning Cutter too, but seeing her best friend like this hurt more; and him shutting her out cut like a knife through her heart. She decided to try a different tactic; if he wouldn't let her comfort him then maybe he would comfort her if he thought that was what she wanted. She was right. When she rested her head on his shoulder and allowed the tears she'd been holding back to fall, he put his arm around her and pulled her into his embrace. His chin rested on her head and he gently stroked her back.

They remained like that for some hours until the flat was in darkness. Connor yawned and asked if it was OK if he went to bed. "Of course it is, Connor." Abby said. She watched him slowly walk across the room and up the open stairs to his room, her heart breaking for him. This was hitting him harder than she imagined it would.

Abby tried to sleep too, but her head was full of the days events. Some time in the early hours, her head started changing things, and she had an image of Cutter walking out carrying out Connor's lifeless body instead. She sat up, her heart pounding and her stomach lurching as if she was going to be sick. Suddenly she realised that she could lose Connor just as suddenly as they'd lost Cutter today, and she didn't know how she would cope if that happened.

She went to the kitchen and got herself a glass of water. She tried to calm herself; it was just a bad dream and Connor was alive. The silence of the flat made her feel alone and she felt an urge for company. As he went back into the lounge to put the TV on for some noise, she could hear soft muffled sobs coming from Connor's room. Now she had a dilemma; he had obviously waited until he was alone to let his grief out and he'd been shutting her out. But she couldn't just let him cry alone.

She silently made her way up the stairs, deciding she would try to make him let her in. Maybe he'd push her away, but at least she could say she'd tried. "Connor?" she whispered, standing in the doorway.

"Did I wake you?" he said back.

"No. I couldn't sleep anyway." She moved towards his bed and sat on it next to him. She could just make him out in the dim light; he was looking up at her. "Do you want to talk?" He nodded, and for some reason, Abby slid herself into the bed next to him. It felt like the right thing to do. "What happened back there? Was he... dead... when you found him?"

"No. I tried to get him to come with me, but I think he knew..." Connor choked back a sob. "He just wanted me to sit with him."

Abby closed her eyes. Poor Connor, she hadn't realised that he had actually been with Cutter when he died. No wonder he was in such a state. "At least he didn't die alone, Connor. He would have been grateful that you were there."

"He wants me to carry on; to work out what the artefact is. He said it's on me now. I promised that I would. But I don't know if I can, Abby. I don't think I can do this any more." he began to sob, and Abby pulled him to her.

"You can do this, Connor." she whispered, stroking his hair. "If anyone can work out what that thing is for, it's you."

"I wish I believed that." he said.

"Cutter did. That's why he chose to spend his last moments with you." Abby said. "And I believe it too."

Connor finally let the floodgates open, and his sobs became uncontrollable. He buried his head into Abby's shoulder and circled his arms around her body. She wrapped her arms around him and cried with him, softly whispering that it would be OK.

As their tears subsided, they curled together in the bed. Abby was very aware that neither of them were wearing very much; the thin fabrics of Connor's boxer shorts, her vest and sleep shorts the only thing separating them. This was the most intimate she had been with Connor; in fact it was the most intimate she had been with anyone for a long time. The warmth of Connor's skin against her body felt nice, comforting; his scent filling her nostrils. For a brief second, she thought about removing the barriers between them and making love to him. It would be so easy; all she'd have to do is move her hand a couple of inches lower and she'd be at his waistband. She needed to feel him close to her, to know that he was there – but she stopped herself. Taking advantage of him in his emotional state would be wrong, and they'd both end up regretting it.

Instead, she just pressed herself closer into him. He tensed initially, then relaxed into her with a sigh. It wasn't long before he was breathing softly and Abby realised he was asleep. She laid there, watching his chest rise and fall. It was reassuring; it meant he was alive. After a while, she allowed sleep to overcome her too.

It was barely light when Abby felt Connor moving and trying to slide out of bed without disturbing her. "Connor, its only just after 6am, where are you going?" she said.

"The sooner I get to the ARC, the sooner I can get on with the repairs to the ADD and getting the locking device right." He was sat up and pulling the covers off him. Abby sat up too and placed her hand on his shoulder.

"No-one would expect you to go in today, Connor. It can wait."

"I know, but I want … I need ..." he stopped and turned to face Abby. "I have to do this. For Cutter."

Abby understood perfectly. There would be no stopping Connor so there was little point in trying to talk him out of it. "OK, you go and get a shower and I'll sort us some breakfast." He nodded and stood up. "Connor. You're not alone you know."

He smiled. "I know. Thank you. And thank you for being there last night."

"I'll always be there for you, Connor." she said quietly. She wanted to add "I love you." but now wasn't the time. She watched him leave the room and sighed. One day, when it was the right moment, she'd tell him.


End file.
